


Damsel (Not) in Distress

by Beastrage



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Angry Kairi, Angst, Canonical Character Death, Emotions, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Kingdom Hearts III Spoilers, Let Kairi be Angry, Not A Happy Ending, Post-Kingdom Hearts III, dealing with the trauma of being helpless
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-08
Updated: 2019-05-08
Packaged: 2020-02-28 12:54:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18756832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beastrage/pseuds/Beastrage
Summary: "The first thing Kairi does when she gets home is to bury her face into her pillow and scream."Kairi is Angry. At the world, at everyone. She can't have a happy ending, after all. Not without Him.(At least, that's what everyone's been telling her.)





	Damsel (Not) in Distress

**Author's Note:**

> Written in a response to seeing only Sad Kairi. Where's my angry Kairi? Angry that she outright said in canon that she didn't want to be left behind anymore, but is anyway? Where is a logical offshoot of canon, the conclusion that apparently Kairi doesn't get a 'Happy Ending' without Sora and how wrong that is?

The first thing Kairi does when she gets home is to bury her face into her pillow and scream.

After everything’s that happened, everything they’ve survived, Sora’s _gone._

Because of _her._

If only she had been strong enough, had been able to fight back...he wouldn’t be gone.

He _couldn’t_ be gone.

(But he is.)

(Because of _you_.)

(What do you think about that?)

 

The scar on her back itches. It shouldn’t be a scar, not yet. Not with how new of a wound it is. She wishes she could reach it, see it somewhere else than in a mirror.

But a mirror is all she’s got, for this.

Rough edged, curved with the teeth of a Keyblade. Not on her spine, but right to it. There’s a corresponding white point. Right where her heart is.

(Right where Xehanort killed her.)

(Speared her like a fish on a spear.)

(Helpless.)

Her fingers rub at her scar uselessly, until she’s almost scratching herself open. The pain is better, better than the numbless. But that would worsen the scar.

Kairi turns the mirror around. Carefully keeps her eyes up, away from her chest.

Better not to look, anymore.

(You’ll just make it worse.)

 

What has being a Princess of Heart ever gotten her?

Nothing but getting chased and kidnapped, all sorts of enemies longing for the Light she carries. Or using the connection she has with Sora.

She’s nothing more than _bait_.

A worm, wriggling on the hook’s edge. Ready to be speared.

Sometimes, in the dead of night, she stares at her ceiling sleeplessly. Wonders, just a bit, what her heart would look like if she cut it from her chest with her Keyblade.

Would it glow like a star? Bright as the sun? Glimmer with not a trace of shadow?

Everyone says Princesses of Heart are special because they have no Darkness. That they’re _good,_ having no Darkness. Kairi’s not so sure about that.

What is Darkness? She asks and no one seems to know the answer. Only that it’s bad, if there’s too much of it.

What about Light? Can too much Light be bad too?

Kairi thinks and thinks about it, but never asks. Doesn’t want to be a bother, after all, asking something so obvious.

(You’re lagging behind.)

(You’ll never catch up.)

 

Riku’s not around. He’s never around, anymore. Searching for Sora.

The few times he visits, he always asks, “How are you doing?”

Every time, she answers with a smile, “Fine. How’s the search?”

A testament, to how far they’ve grown apart, that he doesn’t question her on that at all. Never sees her smile for the collection of shattered glass it is.

“Hey, can I come?”

“Not this one. I don’t think you’re strong enough yet.”

She bites her cheek, fighting back tears, and merely nods in response. Riku turns away, satisfied by the unspoken promise.

 

She never asks again. Because Kairi knows the truth, even if Riku won’t say it. They’ve moved on ahead without her. She’ll never be able to catch up, not when she grows so slow and they grow so fast.

So why bother?

(Weak.)

( _Burden_.)

(Her heart _aches._ )

(It always does, these days.)

  


She can visit other worlds, though. Worlds more familiar, worlds that Sora is not.

(It’s _safer_ that way.)

The first she goes to, on her own, is Radiant Garden. Of course.

Radiant Garden...what to feel about that? Her home, once. A haven, once.

Now, nothing more than a memory. The wide open gardens of her childhood are gone now, replaced by walls to keep out Heartless.

There’s the castle, of course, to visit. To visit, but never to stay very long.

What to do, now that she’s here?

 

She could visit Naminé, of course. Naminé’s been staying here.

But it’s hard enough for Naminé, trying to be a whole person when her ‘Somebody’ still exists. Kairi’ll just make it worse, if she butts in all the time.

So she doesn’t. Visit Naminé, that is.

Not a lot to do at Radiant Garden, if you don’t want to talk to the people there. Avoiding people entirely is a bit difficult, but not the worse. Not when her feet take her down old paths that have yet to repaired, paths that once gleamed under the World’s bright sun.

Places she walked and visited, as a child. Before Destiny Islands.

A hissing starts up. A lone shadow on the ground darts in front of her, where it is joined by a few more. Coming up out of the earth.

Heartless.

See, there’s a reason no one walks alone in Radiant Garden. Though the world may have been recovered from the Dark that held it so long, the history of that Darkness has not faded away.

The Heartless still come, despite the locked Keyhole. The Heartless still attack anyone who is unlucky enough to be alone.

Kairi bares her teeth at the growing swarm. “Try it,” she dares, calling Destiny’s Embrace to her hand.

They do, yellow eyes glowing brighter than ever as they throw themselves at this newcomer. This newcomer who is _ready_ for them.

 

Kairi hacks away at the surrounding Shadows, the Heartless attempting to corner her. To rip her Heart out.

That’s all anyone ever wants her for, isn’t it? Her _special_ Heart, her Heart full of Light and _nothing else_.

She wonders, sometimes, if she lost her Heart again, would she create another Nobody? A sister to stand by Naminé’s side, united in self-doubt and with a small growing heart, to replace what was lost.

What would happen to Kairi then? Does it matter? Did it ever really matter?

Stab, stab, stab. Wack, wack, wack.

She doesn’t attempt any magic. It’s more therapeutic this way, feeling her weapon slice through squishy blackness. Smashing the weak Heartless into shadowy paste.

Eventually, the floods of Shadows stop coming. Eventually, the threat is gone.

For a little while.

Always just for a little while.

(It’s only later, rubbing at her sore throat, she realizes: she’d been screaming the entire time.)

( _Good,_ she thinks. _Good._ )

  


She writes but her writing is full of holes. Her pens mark dark holes into the paper. Sometimes she presses too hard, tearing her notebook’s pages in the process.

Every story is same. Every plot follows the same lines.

There is not a single happy ending. Not one.

She tries, but her pen always slips right at the end. Adds a murder, or a failure.

 

All her attempts to bring peace between the two boys’ butting heads didn’t amount to anything, in the end.

She didn’t fix anything. Sora and Riku did that.

And still they don’t have a happy ending.

So why should any of stories have one?

(You’re just a _girl._ )

(What does a girl know about men?)

  


So it goes. Kairi writes, goes off alone, fights. A cycle without a foreseeable end. Until one day, someone throws a wrench into that cycle. A certain someone who comes out of nowhere while she’s struggling against a cluster of Shadows, fire shooting out to pick the Heartless off.

“Kairi! What are you _doing_!?” Axel, of course. The rest are there too, Roxas, Xion, and Isa, working together to destroy the shadowy mob.

“Fighting,” she snaps back. “What does it _look like_.”

“Against that many Heartless? Kairi, that’s _dangerous_ alone.”

“So?” Right away, Kairi knows that’s the wrong response. Axel breathes in and out, looking about ready to explode.

So of course she has to add fuel to the fire. “I can handle it.”

At that, Axel does explode.

 

“You could have _died_ !” He roars at her. “Kairi, fighting Shadows like that alone is a _death sentence_ for someone like you.”

 _Someone like her_.

(He means someone _weak_ like you.)

(You’ll never be strong enough.)

“Good!” She screams back.

Axel stalls out at that unexpected response. They all do. “...what?”

“You heard me!” And then she goes for the figurative throat.

Axel’s said he’s sorry a million times and some part of her knows that he really, truly is very sorry. That he regrets that he kidnapped her. Hurt her.

The rest of her, mired in rage and loss, doesn’t care. Only remembers the hurt.

“You don’t give a shit about me! You only cared that I reminded you of Xion!”

Axel’s green eyes widen. He winces. “Kairi, that’s not true...”

“Kairi, Sora rescued you! Like Axel was trying to do for me,” Roxas tries. But Kairi steamrolls right over that.

 

“Sora, Sora, Sora! It’s always about Sora! Your friend hurt me to get back at Sora, hurt me for you!” Kairi’s nails dig into her palms. Deeper and deeper, until hopefully it’ll draw blood. “Guess what? Sora’s _dead_ and you’re _not_ . _Axel_ got what he wanted after all _._ ” She spits the name out like a curse.

Every word is a dagger to Axel’s heart. She can tell, the way he pales and shudders at each word escaping her mouth. Some part of her is darkly satisfied at the thought, that she’s finally able to hurt someone else.

Roxs _glares_ at her. He opens his mouth again and she’s ready. Ready for whatever rage he’s about to spit back at her. Xion’s fists are clenched, her blue eyes cold. Angry, both of them.

(She deserves it.)

But Isa steps forward instead, stretching out a hand to stop the two. Surprisingly, Roxas listens, closing his mouth. So does Xion, lowering her fists. Both still glaring at Kairi, of course.

(It’s what she gets.)  

“I’m sorry, Kairi,” he says. “I never apologized. What we did, using you like that, was wrong. I’m sorry.”

The honest apology disarms her, just a bit. Takes the bite out of her rage.

She’s still angry, of course, but it doesn’t feel quite _right_ anymore. The justification is empty, lacking true meaning.

Kairi stands there, chest heaving.

Xion looks her up and down, before her blue eyes eventually focus on her face. “Kairi...you’re crying.”

 

Oh, she is.

She is crying, isn’t she?

Her breaths are gasping sobs. Faintly, she’s aware that her cheeks are wet, water sliding down them.

“I should be dead. _God,_ I wish I was dead. Then he wouldn’t be.”

“You don’t know that- “ Roxas starts.

“Then he wouldn’t be,” she repeats, cutting through his next words. “He gave up his life for me. He disappeared because of _me_.”

The tears come faster and harder. She throws herself at the nearest person and grabs at this chest: Isa. Isa looks fairly surprised at this, eyebrows going up. But he doesn’t shove her away.

“Sora’s dead because Xehanort killed me,” she almost wails. “I hate hate _hate_ him.”

Isa swallows, and Kairi can feel his body shiver under her hands.

“I _hate_ him,” Kairi hiccups. “Xehanort’s gone now, so it should be better. But it’s not. Why isn’t it better?”

“I don’t know,” Isa says quietly. Gently, hesitantly, a hand rubs her back.

She lets it, burying her head into his chest. They’re strangers, really. But maybe, they don’t have to be.

She’d never thought she end up crying into the chest of her former enemy, an enemy much more cruel than Axel had managed to be in the end. But then, Kairi never thought she could be so _angry_ before today. So _cruel._

So, maybe, today is a day for firsts.

 

“I’m sorry, Axel,” she says. “I’m really, really sorry.”

She doesn’t say she didn’t mean it, because she did, saying it. But she does say, instead, “You don’t deserve me saying such mean things to you.”

“You weren’t wrong. Not about me kidnapping you.” Axel runs a hand through his red hair. “And I will never not be sorry about that. But about Xion...maybe that was true at the beginning. But I’d like to think we’re friends, outside of that.”

He looks a little anxious, face still pale. “Are we?”

“You’re still friends with her, after all that mean stuff she said?” Roxas blurts out.

“Well, you’re still friends with me after I lied to you, right?” A wry smile pulls at Axel’s mouth. “Even though I don’t deserve you. Either of you.”

It’s intimate, the way he talks to the two. Kairi feels naked, almost, at the pure emotion being expressed. None of it’s meant for her. She shouldn’t be here. She’s ruining friendships.

She should leave.

Apologize and leave.

 

“I’m sorry,” she says again, a little hopelessly. She’s not sure what else to say.

“Who’s apologizing a thousand times now?” Axel teases.

Kairi manages a small but watery smile. “I’ll go. Thanks.”

She makes to extract herself, withdraw from Isa’s now very wet shirt. Only for the man to put a hand on her shoulder. “Come on, we’ll leave you three be for now.”

“Alright.” Axel waves them off. “Have fun.”

“Good luck,” Xion says shyly, from behind Axel. Roxas doesn’t say anything at all, only giving Kairi a nod.

  


They don’t walk away very far, just out of hearing range. Other than that single touch on the shoulder, Isa is careful to avoid any contact.

Which she appreciates. Really.

She remembers those rough hands all too well and though Isa isn’t the same...well, it’s close.

 

“It’s okay for you to be angry.” Isa manages a smile. “Take it from someone who knows a lot about rage.”

“But I can’t. I shouldn’t.”

“But you _are_ ,” he gently insists. “It’s better to feel than not to feel at all.”

“It would be easier not to feel,” she mutters rebelliously. At least, until she remembers who’s exactly she’s talking to. Kairi puts her hand over her mouth. “Oh, I’m sorry!”

“You’re not wrong, exactly. It was easier, _far_ easier, not to feel.” Isa glances over at the three talking behind them. Talking and laughing. “Easier does not mean happier, however.”

“But I’m not happy,” she finally says, the truth hard to get out. At least it’s easier with Isa, who doesn’t really know her, compared to a close friend like Selphie or Riku.

(Or Sora.)

(But he’s _gone_ and it’s _all your fault._ )

( _Weakling_.)

 

Isa blinks at that, looking a little surprised. “...I didn’t expect you to admit that, Princess.”

She shivers at that. “Please don’t call me that. My name’s Kairi.”

Isai nods. “Sorry. I didn’t expect that, Kairi.”

“Yeah,” she glances away, at her feet, “That makes sense.”

She swallows, building up her courage to ask her next question. “Does it ever go away?”

“Does what go away?”

“Xehanort.” Isa freezes at the name. Like if it’s spoken out loud, it’ll summon the old man back from his grave.

“He hurt you. He tore your heart out.” Kairi gestures towards Isa’s chest. “Does the pain...does it stop hurting?” She finishes, returning her hand to place over her own chest. Over her own heart.

“No.” His voice is hoarse. Dry. “The pain hasn’t stopped for me yet.”

“So I guess I just have to live with it.” Kairi tries a weak smile. “Thanks, anyway.” She turns to walk away, towards the castle.

“Kairi, you don’t have to be alone like I was, in the Organization. You have friends who care about you, who want to help you.”

“I know that.” She pauses, turning back just a little, to glance back at him. Her eyes are so very blue, Isa can’t help but notice. Bluer than either Xion’s or Roxas’.

Blue like the sky.

“I know that,” she repeats, “But Sora comes first. He always does.”

Kairi tries another smile, weaker than before.

“And until he comes back, I’ll just have to wait, you know. Wait for a happy ending.”

“Your happy ending isn’t tied to Sora’s.”

“But it is, isn’t?” Kairi looks up at the sky, at the faraway horizon where the sun dips ever closer to the horizon. “Yours was tied to Axel’s. And mine’s tied to Sora’s. That’s what having a heart means, isn’t it? Being connected like that. Tied like that.”

Isa...isn’t sure what to say. Part of what she says is true but some of it isn’t quite right. He doesn’t know how to counter that falseness.

Taking his silence as acquiesce, she heads off once more. The sun is behind her, setting. Ending the day.

“Good-bye, Isa. Until a happy ending, right?”

And the Princess of Heart leaves him alone.

Alone in the dying of the day.

Alone with his happy ending.


End file.
